I’ve got to be honest about something…
I’m a fraud.
I’ve still got a lot of work to do on myself.
I’m laying in my hotel bed.
It’s 6:30 and I’m wide awake.
I went to Will Polston’s Personal Development event of the year this weekend.
I went for networking…
But I left with a breakthrough.
Jairek Robbins spoke about:
– Feeling enough…
…and I knew deep down I didn’t feel it.
– Having enough…
…and I knew deep down I didn’t feel that too.
– Being loved enough…
… and I knew this is the one I really struggle with.
It came to the end of the event and they had a live Q and A…
I was shaking, as my body knew that I was about to push myself out of my comfort zone and seek the next level of my development.
Up until this point I’ve worked very hard on personal development…
I’ve had:
– rehabilitation
– psychotherapy
– psychology
– psychiatry
– coaching
– mentoring
And I’ve also learned from hundreds of other people who I’ve coached personally myself.
But my secret?
I don’t feel much.
In fact, I find it very difficult to feel anything.
My brain works well.
But I keep everything logical.
In my mind.
And completely dismissed something so valuable.
My heart.
I never felt like my dad loved me, and I’m sure this is where it comes from.
When he called me names or hit me, i’d always feel paralysed.
I knew I could never hurt him back because I loved him.
So I made the assumption that he didn’t love me.
I remember I would punch myself in the head in the mirror when I was very young (maybe 6-7) because I was so angry with myself for being a bad son.
My behaviour got worse and in an attempt to stop me affecting my brother or my mum and dad’s relationship, my family ‘ring-fenced’ me from the family (their words)
Growing up, I started to become violent and was diagnosed with an antisocial personality disorder…
The label given to a sociopath/psychopath.
I researched it…
I found out I was supposedly icy, remorseless and incapable of love.
It made sense.
I then took risks and had a few relationships.
The first one?
Cheated on me.
I self harmed when this happened, as I felt totally and utterly rejected and useless.
The second one?
Left me.
She wanted to enjoy single life and said she didn’t love me anymore.
I then went on a mission to fuck my life up when this happened.
I wouldn’t kill myself, but I’d try to put myself in a position where it could happen…
Because I felt I didn’t deserve anything else.
I felt different from everyone else.
Alone.
Unlovable.
Bad.
Sorry!
I still feel:
Alone.
Unlovable.
Bad.
I’ve known for a while this has been a problem.
Something you may not know about me…
I may seem quite popular.
But I don’t really have many, if not any, close friends.
I push people away.
I don’t see my family more than twice a year.
and I’m 99% of the time alone.
I’m scared.
Scared to love.
Scared to be loved.
Scared to feel.
Scared to connect.
I tell myself I’m incapable of it.
I tell myself I’m a thinker not a feeler.
But yesterday, I took a risk…
I admitted something that my body tried very hard to resist.
I picked up the microphone and in front of hundred of people I started to speak:
I admitted to them, and to everyone else that I was dismissing an area of my development.
And that I struggled to feel love and connect with others.
I asked how it could drop from my head to my heart…
I almost choked a few times and could barely get my words out.
Dr John Demartini and Jairek Robbins then proceed to answer my questions…
But I didn’t hear a word.
I realised that I had just got the answer I was looking for.
By simply asking that question…
In the same way I did when I stood up in my first AA meeting…
I had accepted responsibility.
I had took control.
I had regained my power.
I had made a decision to tackle this problem, not dismiss it.
I faced it.
I admitted it.
I declared it.
I felt the fear.
I pushed past it.
I owned it!
I told everyone what I wanted and that I needed help.
I got a round of applause.
People came up to me after and gave me a hug.
Long ones too!
They wouldn’t let me go.
It felt uncomfortable, but nice.
Even one from a bloke felt good.
I guess this was their way of showing me love.
So after all that, I’ve made a decision.
First of all:
I am enough.
I have enough.
AND I AM LOVED ENOUGH.
I will also make a conscious decision to look for the love in people and chose to accept it, not reject it.
I’ll hug people.
I’ll try and express my emotions more.
And regardless of what’s happened in my past…
I’ll also remind myself on a constant basis:
– That I don’t deserve to be rejected.
– I am loveable.
– I am a good guy.
– and I can love others.
FUCK ME THIS IS THE DEEPEST THING IVE EVER WRITTEN.
I want to love more people.
Help more people.
And stop being so logical all the time.
I have so much more inside me to give.
Just a bit frightened to let it out I guess?
I’m still processing this myself.
But thank you for reading.
And thank you Will Polston for putting the event on!
As you can tell this post was for me.
And although as ‘attention seeking’ and ‘cringe’ as it may seem…
I’m stepping out my comfort zone, and forcing myself to own this.
It will likely be one of the best decisions I ever make.
Here’s to love ???❤️
