May 2019 – Lewis Raymond Taylor

I’m Taking A Few Steps Backward…

In 2016, I opened my eyes and realised I had woken up in supported-housing for drug addicts and alcoholics.

I had just came out of rehab after spending 6 months in therapy, and now I had to go into the Big Brother of the substance misuse community.

It really felt like I was moving backwards! 

It wasn’t easy to keep myself in these kind of environments in my early twenties, I can assure you!

By this time, I had already spent a year in prison and then the 6 months in rehab, so the last thing I wanted was to feel like I was still locked up.

But deep down, I knew I still had work to do, and if I started to run before I could walk, I could ruin it all.

So, I stayed in the small room in Portsmouth, living with some very challenging people!

3 months later, I saved up enough money for a deposit for a flat, and got some housing support from the council to pay the rent.

I moved into my small one bedroom flat for £500 a month where there were heroin-addicts in the hallway, and I barely had enough to pay the electric.

Still a very undesirable place to be, but I stuck it out, and continued to work on my recovery.

– I went to drug and alcohol meetings every single day.

– I read book after book on personal development.

– I started a college course in business.

– I started to research online about how I could help others.

After being clean and sober for a while, passing my college course, and starting to help people through my experiences….

People started to pay me for it, and I realised I had a business!

By this point, my recovery was strong, my brain was sharp, and I was ready to truly move forward.

Fast forward 2 years and I’m laying in an apartment in central London worth over a million pound, and I feel truly grateful I put myself in those environments.

You see, sometimes, it feels like you’re moving backwards…

When actually?

You’re just taking the time to build a solid foundation, so you can steam forward faster than ever before.

So if there is that step you want to take?

And it feels hard…

Don’t be afraid to take a few steps backwards, if you know it will allow you to take 10 steps forward after!

When I opened my eyes in 2016 in that supported-housing for drug-addicts and alcohols – yes, it felt like a nightmare….

But when I open my eyes to the view of the city every morning, I know that that nightmare was absolutely necessary so I would have the privilege of experiencing the dream I am living right now.

“Nobody ever said it would be easy; but, what they did say, was it would be worth it.” #Gratitude

I Wasn’t As Clever As Them

I used to look at successful people and think I was different from them.

I wasn’t as clever as them.

…motivated as them.

…talented as them.

They had a great life, money, and freedom to do what they wanted…

But that was for people like them.

Not people like me.

I was different.

I thought that even if I tried really hard, it still probably wouldn’t be enough…

Because I wasn’t enough.

So it made sense to not even bother in the first place.

But then I realised something that changed everything…

I was simply telling myself a story.

A lovely little story to keep me from pushing myself.

It was much easier to tell myself I was different, than it was to admit I had what it took to be successful.

Admitting I had what it took to be successful meant:

I had to make changes…

I had to challenge myself…

…and I had to work on myself and my future ever single.

And that seemed scary.

But I realised I needed to just try, and find out, once and for all.

…and see if I was ‘different’.

I decided to re-write that story, and tell myself that I could be successful.

I told myself I had no excuses, and if ‘they’ had it; then so could I.

Have you ever felt like this?

Different from others?

Telling yourself a story that you’re not good enough?

Somehow incapable of the same levels of success others have?

Well, let me tell you something…

I used to think I was different.

and I WAS!

I’m very different, but not in the way I thought.

Actually, I had talents, skills and abilities I never knew I had.

After admitting I had what it takes, stopping telling myself stories, and really starting to challenge myself?

I started to catch up with the ‘successful ones’ and even overtake some too.

So, if you think you’re different?

Maybe you are!

But for all the right reasons.

Believe me when I say this…

Those successful people you look at?

You don’t have what it takes to become like them.

You have what it takes to become someone a million times better.

 

I’ve Got My Shit Together These Days

A lot of people think I’ve got my shit together these days…

But the truth is, I still struggle with the way I feel about myself almost on a daily basis.

The problem is, I’ve spent so many years thinking I was bad, it’s hard to shift and accept that I am a good person with a lot of offer other people.

And then I find myself;

– Pushing people away that want to be my friend.

– Dismissing people who congratulate and compliment me.

– Not allowing myself to connect with people that don’t offer something tangible to my life.

I find myself thinking:

– I am actually still a bad egg, and don’t deserve: friends, connection, and to be appreciated.

– I would be such a bad friend so there is no point even trying to make them.

– I think nobody would really care about me anyway.

The result?

Yeah, I have excitement from seeing my life develop…

But also a feeling on loneliness, and a disappointing underlying desire for connection and love.

I can’t believe I can publically say things like this nowadays 🙈🤣

But every breakthrough I’ve ever had has been from owning my thinking and taking responsibility for the change I want to see.

Every now and again, I’ll feel connected to someone, and the love I’ve got to offer slips through and I get a reminder that I am a good guy who has so much to offer.

Whether this is from having unsupportive friends in the past, the bad relationship I had with my Dad or the bad things I’ve done in my life, I don’t know…

But I do know it’s kind of hard to shake!

For anyone else struggling with the way you feel about yourself, don’t worry I’m the same too; and I do this kind of stuff for a living!

We are all a work in progress and NOBODY completely has their shit together – believe me.

If I’ve ever pushed you away, ignored your compliment, or seemed distant – it’s because I’m still on a journey like everyone else.

So although, I’ve managed to get my shit together in a few areas of my life – that doesn’t mean I’m finished…

I’m still learning, exploring and developing on a daily basis.

But as long as I keep talking about it, and pushing myself, I know I’ll eventually shake this old thinking away for good.

Thanks for reading.

From Lewis ~ a good guy? 😳